Mass Effect - The Soul Behind The Name: Chapter 9

Title: Mass Effect - The Soul Behind The Name: Chapter 9
Author: Reellifejaneway2 (Joanna Knowles)
Game: Mass Effect Trilogy
Characters/Pairing: Kaidan Alenko & FemShep (Kira Shepard)
Disclaimer: Mature Themes (language). Mass Effect and all its characters are the intellectual property of Bioware/EA.


“Kaidan, you had no idea that she was alive?” Emily crosses her arms and leans back into the deep leather couch, her dark eyes narrowing. 

I gawk back at her in surprise. “Of course not! I would never have even contemplated the idea if Garrus hadn’t sent me that security footage.” Taking my cue from Emily’s incredulous stare, I add, “Shepard died on the Normandy. I was there. All the rumours – and there had been a few – I’d just written them off. I mean, it sounded crazy. And after the years I’d just spent dealing with the grief of losing her, I couldn’t bear the thought of people inventing wild stories about Kira. She just didn’t deserve that kind of disrespect. I saw it as some spiteful individuals trying to tear down the reputation of the woman I had loved, and I just couldn’t bring myself to believe what they were saying.”

“Until you saw her dealing with those mercs on Omega.”

“You got it,” I nod, gratefully accepting a mug of hot coffee from the waiter.

The small cafe is full of people – most of whom are either soldiers or volunteers for the clean-up effort. Several Asari are sitting around a table nearby, all dressed in nurses’ uniforms. They look tired, as though they’ve just quit the early morning shift at one of the makeshift hospitals. Tent hospitals sprung up all over London in the aftermath of the war. Many closed down in the following months, but most of the volunteers have transferred into recently converted warehouses to continue their work. A few of the original city hospitals are still operational, but only long-term patients are sent there for intensive care. I should know. I’ve been a guest of those corridors many a time in the past few months. My gut twists, and I force myself to look back up at my reporter friend.

“It was the weirdest thing,” I resume the conversation, “I had never doubted myself more than I did at that moment, when Shepard stepped onto my terminal screen. I really thought my eyes were tricking me.”

 “I remember when I heard Shepard was alive,” Emily remarks, stirring her coffee. “I couldn’t believe it either. I thought it was a prank, you know, the competition feeding a dud story into the network so I would look like an idiot or something.” She rolls her eyes. “I am kind of confused though. I mean, it looked like it must have been a cover-up, or some kind elaborate under-cover assignment. I just assumed you knew about the scheme.”

I shake my head. “If I had known Shepard was alive and on some kind of Alliance mission, I would have joined her. But I just had the awful feeling that wasn’t the case. I kept the security vid to myself for weeks because I just didn’t believe it. I figured that I was dealing with an imposter – or worse, a clone. I scoured the files for days searching for another image of her, but I couldn’t find any. It wasn’t like I could go to Anderson with a piece of blurry footage. He’d have thought I was insane.”

Emily sighs and spoons some sugar into her cup. “So you decided to go to Horizon?”

“Yes.” I glance down at my hands, old feelings of regret flooding back into my mind. “I went there figuring that working would put the thought of Shepard out of my mind. But...” I stifle a groan. “If there was one thing I could erase from my memory, that experience would be it.”

“What happened?”

I shudder. “Do you remember hearing about Freedom’s Progress?”

Emily nods hurriedly, her dark hair bouncing. “Yes, one of my colleagues got the scoop. Collectors invaded and just stole the whole colony – they were never found.”

“Well, Anderson had received an anonymous tip-off that Horizon was next on their list.” I stare into the depths of my mug. “And he was right. I was there when they came.”

---2185---

“You must be Commander Alenko.”

I sling my duffel bag over my shoulder, stepping down from the shuttle. The soft rustle of grass beneath my boots is a refreshing sound. The air is heady with the rich scent of pollen, and the bright daylight blinds me momentarily. I blink, realising that a woman is standing in front of me, her arms folded over her chest.

“Yes, that’s me.” I struggle to focus on her face. “Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko – I’ve been sent to upgrade your colony’s defences.”

The woman’s brow arches fractionally, her lips pursing in annoyance. “So I’ve been told. But I’m not buying it. Horizon doesn’t need your help – we could have done it on our own. Why don’t you tell me why you’re really here?”

Anderson had warned me that there would be opposition. But as I am rapidly beginning to realise, ‘opposition’ might have been an understatement. ‘Hostility’ and ‘resentment’ might have been more appropriate descriptors. A small crowd of about thirty colonists are gathering around the Alliance shuttle. Almost every face is bearing a scowl – clearly, my presence isn’t welcome.

“As I said,” I reply with a smile, “I’m here to repair your defence system. You did send out a message a fortnight ago requesting assistance, didn’t you?”

“Not to the Alliance I didn’t,” The woman bites back angrily. “I was hoping for a more... Neutral party, if you catch my meaning. People around here are hardly thrilled at the idea of an Alliance soldier hanging about – and with good reason.”

“I understand that there has been trouble in the past, but – ”

“Save it,” She interrupts, shaking her head. “None of us are interested in your political spiel, Commander. You’re here to do a job; so you might as well get on with it. I’ve got work of my own to do, and we’ll have no trouble with you so long as you stick to your duties and don’t get in our way.” She glowers at me from under furrowed brows. “Do we have an understanding?”

My mouth has gone dry, but I force a smile and extend my hand as an offer of friendship. “I believe we do, Miss...”

“Just call me Lilith.” She ignores my open hand, instead turning and stomping away.

I am left standing there on the turf, desperately scrambling to gather my wits about me. After a moment or two of stunned confusion, I decide to follow. The weight of my bag pulls against my shoulders as I sprint to catch up with Lilith. “Hang on a second, will you? I’m not here to hurt anyone, okay? I just want a few questions answered.”

Lilith pauses in the doorway of one of the habitat pods and spins about on her heel. “Alright, you’ve got one minute.”

Well, that’s a start.

“First of all, why the opposition?” I step towards her. “I’m not threatening anyone. I’m not even armed. I’ve come here to help.”

“The Alliance’s definition of help has cost more lives than it has saved,” Lilith retorts. “It’s going to take more than good intentions to make us trust you, Commander Alenko. No offence.”

I sigh and shake my head. “Look, I understand you’re unhappy that I’m here. Believe me; I don’t want to cause any more trouble for your colony. I came here because I have reason to believe that Horizon is at risk – and I may be able to help.”

“Risk? What risk?”

“I don’t know how much you’ve heard about the recent Collector Attacks...”

Lilith’s face pales at this. “Unfortunately, I’ve heard a great deal. Are you suggesting—”

“I’m not suggesting anything,” I answer calmly, “Only that your defences should be our first priority. It is in both of our interests to cooperate. Please, all I ask is that you’ll give me your cooperation. In return, I’ll keep my distance from the colonists and any area you deem off-limits. Does that sound reasonable?”

“If you’ll promise not to keep tabs on what you see or hear, then I’ll let it slide,” Lilith concedes, backing away from me nervously. “Now, is there anything else you need?”

“Yes, actually. I believe I need directions to my lodgings, and to your AA towers.”

I can tell that Lilith’s opposition is slowly ebbing away, but I’m not on secure ground just yet. Finally, she gives in. “Your rooms are set up and the crew at the AA-Towers are expecting you. Just don’t upset the colonists, okay? I won’t be responsible for their actions if they catch you watching over their shoulders too closely.”

Well. At least I know where I stand.

Lilith gives me a key-card and sends me across the compound to a small compartment overlooking the valley. The door slides open with a bleep of acknowledgement, revealing a sparsely furnished living room. An unpolished linoleum floor creaks in protest beneath my feet as I step inside to survey my surroundings. A stove and a kettle are part of a tiny kitchen arrangement in the far corner. I walk past a faded leather lounge to find a narrow hall. This in turn leads to a bedroom, a study and a bathroom. Each room is painted dull beige grey, though a large window facing the valley provides a satisfying view for my otherwise uninteresting living space. I push open the door to my bedroom, and do my best to stifle a moan at the rickety, sunken cot resting in the corner of the room.

“Good thing I’m not planning on entertaining anytime soon,” I mutter to myself as I dump the contents of my duffel bag on the musty bedspread.

---Two Weeks Later---

“Kaidan!”

I am walking back toward my accommodation when I hear my name being called. I bite back a sigh, rubbing my forehead as Lilith comes rushing toward me.

“Oh good – I was hoping to catch you before you turned in,” She exclaims, pausing for a moment to catch her breath. “I just spoke to Dulan. He says you’ve been having trouble with the computer system?”

I straighten my shoulders against the force of tiredness weighing down upon them. “It’s eluding me, Lilith. It’s a computer – it should be simple. But for some reason the mainframe just isn’t responding to external command input.”

We’re walking through the colony’s main compound. If I turn to my right, I can look straight out across the valley, past the trees and toward the rolling hills. On my left are homes. People are standing out in the sunlight, sharing pleasant chatter among themselves. But as I pass, they pull away, their eyes narrowing at me suspiciously.

You’d think they’d try to be polite after two weeks. I haven’t done anything to them.

“Can it be fixed?” Lilith prompts me, biting her lip nervously.

“I’m sure it can,” I reassure her despite my own doubts, “But it will probably take more time than I first thought.”

“You’re doing your best, Kaidan.” Lilith looks up at me with a surprisingly soft look on her face. I swear I can catch a sympathetic flicker in her eyes – it is a refreshing change compared to the derision I generally receive from the other colonists.

Lilith studies my face as we walk. I bow my head for a moment, afraid she’ll see the insecurity in my eyes. “I’m sure you’ll have them online in no time. It wasn’t your fault that they malfunctioned.”

I glance sideways at two men cowering in a doorway, a cynical smile tugging at my mouth. “Yeah. Okay. Surprised people haven’t tried to blame that one on me, too.”

“You have to understand – trust runs a little thin out here, especially toward the Alliance.” Lilith gestures toward the men, shaking her head blithely. “It’s nothing personal.”

I shrug and try to relax. Maybe I have been interpreting everything to mean the worst. “I hope you’re right.”

Lilith reaches out to touch my arm encouragingly, and for the briefest moment, I glimpse hope in her eyes. But just as suddenly as the light appears, it is overcome by a surge of dark fear. Her face pales, and she stares up into the sky behind me.

“Kaidan... What is that?”

I spin about. My breath catches in my throat as I see a mass of black clouds spreading across the sky. Bolts of white lightning and flashes of red flames intermingle with the choking gas, overwhelming the sunlight in a ball of horrific darkness. Now an enormous object breaks through the clouds, looming over the planet’s surface and casting a shadow across the colony. Through the storm emerges a swarm of tiny black creatures, spiralling down from the sky and straight toward us.

A chill rushes through me, and immediately my hand reaches for my gun. I point the barrel skyward, my combat reflexes kicking into action.

“Go!” I yell at Lilith, my voice rising with a sense of urgency. “Get everyone inside! Quickly!”

Lilith hesitates. “What about you?”

“I’ll hold them off!” I shout, firing a few rounds as the swarm approaches. “Go!”

She turns and begins to run. Screams fill the air – people are desperately scrambling to find cover, but many don’t even make it into their homes. People come flooding past me as I hold my ground, my gun the only thing between me and danger. I stare down the line of sight never once taking my eyes off the approaching threat.

It is exhilarating and terrifying. Had I been younger and less experienced, I probably would be running with the Colonists. But in the back of my mind, I see Shepard standing her ground in front of Saren. I remember her pushing me out of the way when Sovereign’s debris threatened to crush us. Perhaps it is that memory which is keeping my feet grounded, even as I stare directly into the eyes of my doom. I’ve just thrown myself headlong into danger.

I really hope this isn’t a bad call.

The swarm is getting so close now that I can hear them – a deep, droning roar fills the air. I squeeze the trigger, but for all the power behind the bullets, not a single creature falls to the ground. By the time I realise this, it’s far too late to even think about my own escape. They’re so close that I can feel the cool air on my face as they beat their tiny wings.

In a split second, they engulf me. I let out a yell as one stings the back of my neck, the sting biting into my skin with a burning sensation. I reach back and tear the revolting parasite off me only to realise that the barb must have contained some kind of immobilising agent. My strength fades, replaced by an overwhelming sensation of helplessness. The blood in my limbs turns cold. I try to turn and see what is happening but my head won’t move. My hands are frozen. I can still see. I can still hear, and hell, I can feel every crawling sensation as the horrid little creatures flitter all over my body. But I can’t move.

Panic rises up in my chest – I’m completely vulnerable.

“Kaidan.”

I hear her voice, and in my mind I reach out for her.

Kira, is that you? Please – Shepard, help me.

A hand brushes against my cheek – at least, I think it’s a hand. I can barely think. My head is spinning with exhaustion. Both of my legs lost feeling hours ago, but despite this, my skin is still creeping. As I begin to stir, I feel a warm breeze on my cheek.

Wait.

Is it warm? Or am I dreaming?

I force my eyes to focus, dragging myself out of my stupor. Dark shadows play at the edges of my vision. It took every ounce of my strength to fight to stay alert, but then they came... Those monsters... In the back of my mind, I remember the photographs in Anderson’s secret file – the one he’d shown me on the Citadel. Awareness slams into me like a wave as I realise: Collectors. The monsters that had been strolling casually around the compound, dragging away frozen colonists, were Collectors.

I remember now. I remember everything.

I had been stung, frozen. As I hung there, suspended mid-air, I was utterly powerless to defend myself. I remember one Collector – a tall, menacing one with glowing gold eyes – had strolled right up to me, leaning over to look in my eyes. I had been terrified as it surveyed me with those fiery orbs.

“Take this one last,” It had ordered its henchmen, circling me with hungry eyes. “He must feel this – he must see our plan come to completion.”

I had wanted to shoot it right between the eyes. I could have taken the shot so easily. It had been so close that I could feel its breath on my face. And then, it had just turned and walked away, its attention drawn to the other colonists. Many had been carried past me, their bodies lying helpless inside hideous, coffin-shaped pods. And then the fatigue had caught up with me. After a night shift of maintenance, I had barely enough strength to remain focused. I had let my consciousness slip away...

“Kaidan.” That sweet familiar voice lingering in the back of my mind pushes me forward, out of the darkness once and for all. “Kaidan. Wake up!”

I let out a rush of air as the invisible cage surrounding me relinquishes its grip.

With a breathless cry, I sink to my knees, my gun falling useless on the ground before me. My whole body is shaking. Another rush of hot air rushes over me. I force myself to look up. The immense ship that had descended through the atmosphere earlier is leaving. Its vast core emits a wave of heat as it struggles to push itself away from the planet’s surface. With all of my might, I scramble to my feet. I rush forward with a shout, emptying the remainder of my thermal clip into the air in a vain attempt to hit it. Even though part of me knows I couldn’t have won, anger boils up within my chest. How many colonists did they take? Did any survive at all? And why not me – why didn’t they take me?

Stumbling forward, I grasp a nearby railing, my chest heaving as I gulp in air desperately.

How could a simple mission have gone so horribly wrong?

After a moment, sounds drift to me on the breeze. I tense up, gripping my pistol with shaking hands. Voices floats toward me, the conversation jumbled and strained. I can barely understand but the urgent tone in their words tells me that I need to find them.

Survivors? Rescuers?

I shake my head, fighting the pain that’s rising up behind my eyes. I’m struggling to come back to grips with my surroundings. Which way...?

I just decide to follow the sound for now. I force my feet forward, and to my surprise, I discover that with each step, the effort required becomes gradually less and less. As I pass buildings, I notice that there are a small number of survivors – a few are helping others to stand, applying medi-gel to minor injuries. Others are sitting, dazed.

I don’t blame them.

After a moment, I realise that the voices are coming from the direction of the AA Towers – more specifically, the computer terminal that controls their operations. It dawns on me then that the towers seem to be moving, firing up through the atmosphere at the retreating ship.

How on earth...?

I hesitate momentarily, calculating my options.

Somebody reactivated the guns... I don’t know of many other people who could have achieved that, especially when the external activation protocol hadn’t been working earlier. It must have taken a very powerful computer interface to get the system back online.

The voices are much clearer now. I walk through the open doors, pausing behind some crates as the conversation begins to make sense. My blood runs cold when I hear a familiar voice – strong, but kind; feminine, but imposing.

 “There’s nothing we can do. They’re gone.”

No... No it can’t be.

“Half the colony’s in there!” I immediately recognise Delan’s voice – he is one of the mechanics I’ve been working with for the past few weeks. He seems to have been awake a little longer than I. He’s arguing frantically, “They took Egan and Sam... and Lilith! Do something!”

“I didn’t want it to end this way. I did what I could.”

I close my eyes, relishing in the sound of that beautiful voice – a voice I never thought I would hear again in this life.

“There was nothing more we could have done, Shepard.”

My eyes fly open. Am I still dreaming?  But I could swear I just heard Garrus.

“Shepard...” Delan murmurs, “Wait. I know that name.” There is a long pause. My heart is pounding so loudly that the conversation seems to fade in comparison. “Sure, I remember you. You’re some type of bit Alliance hero.”

Before I can think, I step out of my hiding place.

“Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.” Even I’m amazed at the steadiness of my voice as I step into the compound. My eyes immediately find her face, and all those emotions I’d stifled... Those memories, those desires... They all come rushing back to claim their place in my mind and soul.

She’s so beautiful.

Kira. My Kira. She is standing here, right in front of me.

If this is a dream, it’s a damn real one.

Those almond-shaped brown eyes, sparkling up at me from beneath black lashes... Her straight, thin nose, and those soft, red lips... Her auburn hair still combed neatly into a long bob, swept behind her ears... She looks almost exactly the same. Two years. Two years have gone by and she’s barely aged at all. I’m struggling to restrain myself. Tumultuous emotions rise up inside me, dragging me back from the brink of sanity into the depths of utter desolation.

Finally I find my voice, “You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost.”

I’m vaguely aware of the mechanic cursing at me, storming away with some off the cuff remark about ‘Alliance types’. But I simply can’t tear my eyes away from Shepard.

“I thought you were dead, Shepard.” I whisper, disbelief still clouding my eyes. I step closer, my heart thundering louder and louder with each move. “We all did.”

Kira doesn’t say a word as I reach out, my hand brushing her cheek. It is warm. It is real.

She is real!

“Kira...” I breathe.

Her arms wrap around my waist, and I pull her into a tight embrace. She feels so small, so much slighter than I remembered. In my mind she’d always seemed stronger. But even now, despite the armour we’re both wearing, I can feel the heat radiating from her. She’s alive. She’s here. With me. The raging storm in my head only intensifies as she nuzzles into my neck – just the way she always used to. I can smell her hair, feel her breath on my neck. It is strange, eerie, like I’ve woken in the world of dreams, stepping out amidst the fantasies. More than that: I’m reaching beyond the veil of reality to touch the one woman that I’ve dreamed about for so long. This can’t be reality. It simply can’t be.

“Kaidan.” She breathes my name in my ear, so that only I can hear. Her voice is doing strange things to me, and, desperate to retain my self-control, I pull away.

I study her face, still touching her cheek tenderly. Only now do my fingers find strange furrows in her skin. Scars – several of them – cut jagged lines across her cheek and up the side of her forehead in a twisted, glowing pattern. I’m startled, and it must be showing in my eyes because Kira steps back fractionally.

“It’s been too long, Kaidan,” She tells me, her lips moving gracefully as they forms the words, “How’ve you been?”

Her face seems so complacent – so innocent – and yet, her words travel straight to my heart, biting into me swiftly and mercilessly. How could she say something like that? After all this time?

This can’t be right!

I stare in shock, replaying Shepard’s remark over and over in my mind before formulating a response. “Is that all you have to say?” I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. “You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?”

Kira’s face pales a little. Her brows furrow slightly as I step back.

My hands start to shake. I drop my fingertips away from her face, suddenly feeling like an utter fool. How could she do this? How could she leave me behind for two years? Was this some kind of joke to her?

Have I been played – or worse, used?

“I thought we had something, Shepard,” I choke, “Something real. I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?”

Kira looks away, and despite the voice of reason warning me to stop, I push on, my resentment taking control. “Why didn’t you try to contact me?” I persist, my voice edged with bitterness. “Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” For a long moment she doesn’t look up, but when she does, her eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them. Something glistens on her lower lashes, and for a moment, I begin to wonder if I’m wrong. “I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed...” What can I see in her eyes – pain, anger, betrayal? I’m not sure what to believe anymore. “You’ve moved on. I don’t want to reopen old wounds.”

This remark slapped me even harder than the first. My head is reeling as I try to come to terms with what I’m hearing... And with what I’m seeing. “I did move on. At least, I thought I did. But now we’ve got reports about you and Cerberus.” I instantly hate myself for mentioning the terrorist group, but I can’t let it go. What if all the gossip was true? For weeks I’ve been denying the stories, insisting that Kira Shepard would never align herself with such a radical organisation.

And yet, here she is.

Already the first part of my argument has been utterly shattered. If she didn’t even tell me she was alive, how can I defend her against the other rumours?

At the blank look on Kira’s face, I add, “Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit.”

“And you were sent here to scope it out?” Garrus probes, his blue irises glinting as he glowers at me. I shift on my feet, feeling instantly uncomfortable. “What exactly were you told, Kaidan?”

“There were rumours that you weren’t dead,” I return my attentions to Kira. Heat rises deep inside me as I get lost in those desperately sad eyes... “Rumours that you were working for the enemy.”

All at once, her face changes.

The softness, the kindness, the warmth in her gaze is shut out by crushingly dark pain. I know her so well – even after all this time, I can see that she is fighting to keep control.

“Our colonies are disappearing, Kaidan,” She murmurs. “The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it.”

I’m stunned to see the resilience in her eyes. She grits her teeth and levels her gaze at me, that old mask of security smoothly covering her desperation.

“You can't really believe that!” I reach out and grasp her by the shoulders. It takes every little ounce of self-control to restrain myself from shaking her – hard – until she comes to her senses. “We both know what Cerberus is like. What they're capable of!”

“Do we?”

The sharp rejoinder catches me off guard, and I drop my hands. “What?”

“Kaidan, you don’t know the facts. Please. Don’t rush to conclusions that you’ll regret.”

I’m not sure whether to take that as a plea or a threat. My shock turns to rage. I back away, shadows crossing my vision, making me dizzy. “I wanted to believe the rumours that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this.”

Kira’s face contorts in agony, and her hand reaches out for me. “Kaidan, no—”

“You turned your back on everything we believed in,” I snarl through clenched teeth, not bothering to try and hide my fury from her any longer. “You betrayed the Alliance... And you betrayed me.”

Shepard has become deathly quiet and I watch as her two companions glance at each other. I can see that they’re preparing for a confrontation. Garrus’ hand wanders to his holster. As for the other team-mate – a surly-faced woman covered in tattoos – she strikes me as the sort to invent a reason to pull the trigger. Thankfully, I know better than to let her find the opportunity.

“I made you a promise,” I lower my voice, leaning into Shepard so the others can’t hear me. “I promised you that if you ever needed it, that I would be your anchor – remember? That you could always come to me. That you could tell me anything, and I would stand by you.”

“Kaidan...” My name sounds utterly foreign as it leaves her lips. “I couldn’t come. I wanted to, but...” her voice trails off and she tears her eyes from mine.

“Why, Shepard? Why?” I’m begging her for answers – real answers. “I trusted you, Kira. I wanted to believe that you would be strong when everyone else failed. Was I wrong...? Just... Just tell me that it’s a lie. Tell me that you’re not working for them. Please.”

Shepard shakes her head. “Kaidan, you know me – you know I’d only do this for the right reason.”

I step back, aghast. “So it’s true.”

“You saw it yourself, Kaidan! The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers.”

“I want to believe you, Shepard.” I shake my head in frustration. “But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you!” How can she be so blind? How can she align herself with these conniving rebels? “What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?”

Garrus intervenes, “Damn it, Kaidan. You’re too emotional.”

Am I the only one here who actually remembers the events of two years ago? Am I the only one who recalls cleaning up the failed Rachni experiments? Or wiping out deranged husks tormented in Cerberus science labs? I can still remember the Shepard I once knew – the woman who stood between me and danger, throwing herself into each new scenario without so much as a moment’s hesitation. She never once stopped to question her loyalties. She knew where she stood. And more than anything, she had known that I was there for her.

Suddenly I’m not so sure that this is the same Kira that I once loved. My heart is overwhelmed by doubts. There is, however, one thing I know for sure.

My Shepard would never have believed Cerberus’ lies.

Here stands an imposter, trying to convince me that I’m wrong. Or something worse – what if this really is my Shepard, brainwashed into becoming a mindless Cerberus dogsbody? “You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts,” she insists. But in my eyes, her face is a mask. Behind it lurks a Cerberus operative, a traitor who has chosen to wear my beloved’s face in a worthless attempt to cover her deception.

“Maybe,” I mutter resentfully. “Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you’re the one who’s not thinking straight.” My mind is made up. I pull my shoulders up straight and stare directly into her eyes. “You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance solider – and I always will be.” I turn to leave. “I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.”

As I begin to walk away, her voice sings out to me: “I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan.”

Pain racks through me at this. It is like the call of a Siren, a tempting thought placed in my mind to lure me away from safety and straight into the arms of my destruction. I close my eyes against the thought of being with her. Images flood my mind. I can almost feel her touch again.

“It will be just like old times.” Kira’s soft plea wrenches at my heart, but I shake it off.

I take a deep breath. “No, it won't, Shepard. Those times are gone – I know that now.” I level a saddened gaze at her. “And I'll never work for Cerberus.”

Kira looks utterly crushed. She flinches in defeat. “Then I guess we’re done here.”

“I guess we are.” I can’t deny that that old, horrible ache has returned. The yawning pit of despair has been reopened in my soul, but I don’t dare show it. Instead, I do my best to remain the strong man she’s known. It’s the least I can do. But now that the time has come, I don’t know. I had the words a few moments ago, words of resentment and betrayal to condemn her to her fate. I had been all too ready to do exactly that. But at the defeat in her eyes, and the sadness in her voice, part of me softens. “Goodbye, Shepard – and...” I choke on the words, “Please be careful.”

With that, I force my legs into action. I turn and walk away, feeling the weight of my actions with each step.

Behind me I can hear Shepard call for a shuttle. “I’ve had enough of this colony.”

There is deep hurt in her voice that I haven’t heard since the Council locked down the Normandy. And now that I’m suddenly alone on a ravaged planet, I’m forced to come to terms with the fact that I made her feel that way. Once, a long time ago, I had been the one she’d turned to when she felt lost. Tonight she wouldn’t have anyone. And neither will I. Tonight, I will have nothing but my regrets.

Once, a long time ago, I had lain awake hoping that a miracle would occur and that she’d come back to me. Little could I have known that when that moment finally came, I would push her away.

Hell, Shepard. What have I done to you?