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Mass Effect: The Soul Behind The Name - Chapter 16

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Title: Mass Effect - The Soul Behind The Name: Chapter 16

Author: Reellifejaneway2 (Joanna Knowles)

Game: Mass Effect Trilogy

Characters/Pairing: Kaidan Alenko & FemShep (Kira Shepard)

Disclaimer: Mature Themes (language). Mass Effect and all its characters are the intellectual property of Bioware/EA. I'm just a fangirl and I can't let go...



Emily Wong is pacing in front of the cafe when I arrive at a quarter past two. I stumble out of the taxi, pay the driver and skulk towards her slowly. She turns to stare at me, her shoulders sinking in relief. I’m nursing several bruised ribs and a wrenched collarbone, but Emily doesn’t know that. She pulls me into a tight hug. I let out a loud hissing sound, and she jumps back in dismay.

“Oh my goodness, Kaidan! What happened to you? You look like... Like...”

“Like I’ve been in a car wreck?” I groan, clenching my teeth as she touches her cold hand to my arm. “Nothing quite that exciting, I’m afraid.”

“But your eye... And your shoulder!” She stares up at my discoloured skin, biting her lip. “Did you get into a fight?”

I swallow a chuckle, the force of the effort causing my ribs to throb. “No, no. An idiot on the street tried to run me down earlier when I was on my way out of the doctor’s surgery.”

Emily’s brows shoot up. Her fingers clasp my arm so tightly that I’m half terrified that her nails will draw blood.

I hold up my hands defensively, rushing to reassure her. “Don’t worry, there’s no damage done.”

I’m not about to tell her what really happened – that someone deliberately pushed me out into the middle of the road. Or that I was saved by a mysterious stranger who looked the spinning image of Kira Shepard. Or that the person responsible for the incident was never found. It’s hard enough for me to swallow, and I’m a hardened navy officer. Emily doesn’t need this extra strain on her life when she’s already trying to handle so much.

Emily is peppering me with questions, but I shrug them off.

“It’s fine, Emily. I’m here, in one piece, and C-Sec is looking into it.”

“Kaidan – somebody just tried to kill you.” She crosses her arms. “Seriously, are you okay?”

I laugh at the irony of it all.

“What?” She looks bewildered now.

“Sorry, it’s just – well, when I was with Shepard, we always seemed to be running and dodging death in some way or another. People trying to kill us became the norm, not an incident to be distressed about.” I suck in a breath and smile sympathetically. “Honestly, I’ve missed the thrill of it. Having someone push me out in front of a car seems tame compared to staring down a Reaper.”

Emily’s shoulders sink, and she grins lopsidedly. “Well when you put it that way, it does seem petty. Just don’t go jumping out in front of sky-cars to rediscover that thrill, okay?” She studies my eyes when I laugh, but once she appraises that I’m not about to tell her anything more, she decides to change the topic. “How about a coffee?” She offers, nodding toward a table in the far corner. “You can show me what you’ve done with your latest chapters.”

We sit in the booth, enjoying the warmth radiating from the nearby heater. Emily reaches for the menu, and after a moment of silence, lowers the page to glance at me. Her eyes narrow expectantly. But now, instead of offering her the datapad, I hold out the leather-bound journal.

“What... What is this?” She asks, leaning back fractionally in her seat.

“It’s Shepard’s journal,” I murmur, running my fingers over the well-worn cover.

Emily gapes at me in surprise, staring at the book in disbelief. “But – what? Kaidan, why didn’t you tell me you still had this? It could have been invaluable for the manuscript—”

“I didn’t have it. Well. Not until half an hour ago.”

Her eyes widen. “You didn’t? Then how... How did you get it? Where was it?”

I shake my head slowly. “The truth is that I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I found it after the incident on the street. It was like somebody just left it there for me knowing I’d see it.”

“But it could have been in anyone’s hands,” Emily worries her lower lip, watching me anxiously. “What if it’s been tampered with?”

I moan and sink back against the cushioned bench, rubbing my jaw in distraction. “I wish I knew where it came from, who had it and why. The last time I saw that book was back on our first shore leave together. It’s been years since then, and up until now, I had believed it was destroyed along with the Normandy and all the rest of our personal belongings from back then.” I swallow the bitterness, masking the pain. “But I guess now that it’s here, I need your help.”

“My help?” Emily crosses her arms. “Wait a second – are you suggesting that I go through her diary? Because frankly, I think if Shepard were here, she’d protest.”

“Damn right I would.”

The all-too familiar voice in my ear makes me jump. I shiver at the warm sensation of Shepard’s company, doing my best to ignore the mirage’s existence in front of Emily.

Not now, Kira, I hiss mentally.

The phantom Shepard folds her arms, lingering just out of view, an ever-present ghost in the corner of my peripheral vision. “Stop avoiding me, Kaidan. Admit it – you’re scared to open those pages. You don’t want to know what’s really in there.

Of course I do! I bite out mentally. Well. Not that I want to pry, it’s just... This was yours, not mine. I don’t want to go where I’m not welcome.

I’ve already given you permission, silly – so what’s stopping you?” Kira cups her chin and tilts her head to one side, peering out at me through a veil of crimson hair. “I didn’t exactly detail our love life if that’s what’s worrying you.”

I refrain from chuckling at the thought. Actually that’s something I wouldn’t mind reading—

Shepard punches me teasingly in the shoulder, and I let out a small, startled yelp.

Emily gawks at me nervously. “Kaidan...?”

I jump and turn toward where Shepard had been sitting just a moment before, but the mirage has taken advantage of my distraction and vanished. I instantly feel like a fool. “Sorry, I... I was somewhere else.”

The reporter crosses her arms and smirks at me knowingly. “You’re avoiding the topic. Do you seriously want me to do this for you? It’s none of my business. I’m here to help you write the story, not read Shepard’s personal logs.”

“I wouldn’t think of it,” I intervene suddenly, “I know it’s a lot to ask, and frankly, you’re right. But I guess what I want to know is... Well.” I falter and stare down at my hands. “If something happened to you and Darren found your journal...”

“How would I feel about him reading it?” Emily finishes my thought.

I nod slowly. “I just don’t feel right about it. Sometimes I swear I can hear her, Emily. She is still here, in my head, and I don’t know how I can so blatantly invade her privacy with...”

The reporter reaches out and grasps my hand. Then, gently, she lifts my fingers and places them against the lower corner of the journal’s cover.

“You knew her better than anyone.” Her dark eyes glint sadly. “Shepard’s voice is still with you because you want her to be, even if she is just in your head. Maybe that’s what you need right now.” Then Emily taps the book with one fingernail. “What if she arranged somehow for this to find you? What if this was no accident, Kaidan?”

“What do you mean?”

“Shepard knew the Reapers would come eventually. She also knew that she would probably be hurt or worse when the battle finally came. So she made plans. What if this journal is part of that? Something for you to hold onto when she’s gone? What if she asked someone to bring it to you when the time was right?”

I frown, shuddering a little as the possibility sinks in. “You might be right,” I admit hesitantly. “She never said it outright, but I always had a feeling that Kira didn’t think she’d make it.” I brush my fingertips along the edge of the leather binding. “Emily, I know she isn’t gone. Not completely. I just can’t get used to the idea of her not being in my life – I can’t make the choice to let go. Not even this could make it easier.” I choke and look away, suddenly embarrassed of my grief, the ever-persistent despair lurking just beneath the surface.

“And so the real worry comes out,” Shepard’s ethereal voice remerges, and I shiver as her breath almost tangibly brushes against my ear. “You don’t want to read my words because once you’re finished...”

Then there will be nothing left to discover, I confess to her silently. You’ll be gone. Forever. I bury my face in my hands. “What if something in there leaves me questioning everything we had? She can’t give me the answers. Once I reach that last page, then that’s it. There is nothing more. And all I’ll have are the memories.”

Emily’s eyes widen in understanding, and for several long moments, we just sit in silence. Finally, she pushes the book over to my side of the table. “So, you’d rather live with what you have, then take a risk and discover something worse?” She leans over. “But what if Shepard left something for you, Kaidan? Wouldn’t you rather read what she had to say? If you don’t look, then you’ll never know if there is something special waiting for you in those pages.” She presses the book into my hands. “Why don’t you start reading? I’ll go get us some coffee.”

Before I can protest, Emily pushes herself out of her seat and threads her way through the crowd toward the front counter. Judging by the line of patrons waiting patiently for their hot beverages, I’m guessing she’ll be gone for several minutes. I nervously glance down at the journal clasped in my sweaty palms.

Shepard’s apparition leans her elbow on the table, sliding back into view with a casual half-smile. Those familiar laughter-lines appear around her eyes. “Just listen to my voice, Kaidan,” She whispers, placing her hand tenderly on mine. “I know you can.”

I take a shuddering breath. “Alright, Kira. I trust you.”

I thumb the first page, and instantly a pang of loss shoots through me.

For the first time, I see her beautiful penmanship. Softly edged letters in blue ink, thin dips and loops, and sharp underlines beneath her signature.

This journal belongs to Kira Shepard. Journal dates: 2177 - _____.

Instantly I am back in that escape pod, orbiting above the Normandy SR1’s burning wreck. She’s dying all over again in my mind, her voice struggling against the suffocation to reach me...

I promised you that I wouldn’t forget you, Shepard. Hell – somebody needs to remember.

I close my eyes, clear my head of all the lingering doubts, and dive in.

 

---2177---

 

They told me that writing would help.

They’ve given me a lot of empty promises over the years – and this is the strangest one of all. A book? Really? That’s miraculously going to help me ‘get better’?

My counsellor seems to think that vocalising my feelings is the best way to deal with my problems. He also thinks that somehow I can return to being the person I once was. But he doesn’t know who I was back then, and he doesn’t know who I am now. How could he? We’re strangers. But somehow he feels as though he’s entitled to read my innermost secrets, all because I am the sole survivor.

If there was one thing I learned from Mindoir, it was that ‘normal’ would never be my lot in life. Because what happened that day is permanent – a scar I’ll bear until my final breath. The world I loved burned; the people I cherished were lost... And now it’s happening all over again. The same pain, the same destruction, just with a new name: Akuze. And it will never change. The people I love will always leave, and there will be nothing I can do to stop that. Nothing can bring them back. No amount of talking can take away the pain. There isn’t enough alcohol in the world to erase the memories.  And there will never be a shoulder strong enough to carry all of me. I know the truth now. I have to carry myself.

I’m 23, and I haven’t cried in over five years. I learned when I was sixteen that my grief couldn’t change the past. But maybe that’s not what I really needed to learn.

Maybe I just needed to learn that it could change me.

 

“It doesn’t make any sense. According to our coordinates, the team should have been here.”

Akuze is not exactly what 2nd Lieutenant Kira Shepard would describe as hospitable. Arid, rocky and blustery, it strikes her as being an odd location for a colony. And yet that is precisely why they are here. A colonial pioneering team has apparently vanished – and the Alliance sent her along on a reconnaissance mission to find out why. So here she is, standing on a hilltop overlooking an empty campsite along with fifty other Marines who are equally as bewildered as she is. Shepard studies the camp site through the visor of her breather helmet. She searches the ground for clues, but there aren’t even footprints here. Just empty building shells, vacant housing modules that were hurriedly raised and then inexplicably abandoned.

“They have to be around here somewhere,” Kira mutters, her brows furrowing. “They couldn’t have just disappeared into thin air.” She glances over the shoulder of the younger Marine standing beside her. “Could you find any sign of movement to the north, Toombs?”

The Corporal shakes his head, frowning at the readings on his omni-tool. “Negative, Ma’am. It’s like they’ve just been... Erased.”

Putting her gloved hands on her hips, she heaves a frustrated sigh. “There is something wrong about all this.”

“I have no doubt that they were here,” Corporal Toombs returns, frustration edging his voice. “But where did they go? This site is exposed – there aren’t caves or tunnels for at least five miles. If they left on foot, there would be signs.”

“You’d think so,” Shepard murmurs. “This place is giving me the creeps. How can an entire pioneering team just vanish?”

“That’s what we’re here to find out,” another voice cuts in.

The reconnaissance team’s commanding officer approaches, and instantly Shepard and Toombs stand to attention.

“Lieutenant, Corporal.” Commander Gwen Riley addresses them in turn. She salutes and the two marines follow suit. Then, as the Commander drops her hand, she extends it in Kira’s direction. “It’s good to see you both. When the Andromeda radioed and told me you were coming on board for this mission, Shepard, I could hardly believe my own ears. How long has it been, three years?”

“Almost to the day,” Kira laughs and returns the handshake with a strong, friendly grip. “The brief was intriguing. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world, Commander.”

“Now why am I not surprised?” Riley shakes her head. “You haven’t changed a bit – still as vivacious and eager as ever. And Toombs, you’ve gone and found yourself an interesting assignment. Did you ask to come along, or did the Lieutenant rope you into this mess?”

Toombs gives a throaty chuckle. “I’ve worked with Shepard for a year now, Ma’am. She’s a good officer. When the assignment came up, she asked me to come along.”

 “Well, I’m glad she did. I’ve heard good things, Corporal.” Then, with a grin in Kira’s direction, “Shepard, it’s good to see that your powers of persuasion are intact. Let’s just hope we all find the answers we’re looking for – provide some closure for the people back home.” The Commander grows serious now, turning about to glance across the flat, arid landscape. “I must admit though, I’m relieved that you of all people joined our squad for this mission. It’s a strange one, Shepard, and I’m worried after the loss of our LT a few weeks ago. A few members of my squad took the incident very hard. It’s good for them to see a familiar face.”

“I understand, Ma’am. Lieutenant Webb was a good man and a fine officer, but I’m not here to replace him. Alliance command made it clear that this liaison with the Lancaster was a temporary assignment.” Kira follows the team leader down the side of a small embankment, striding across the sandy ground toward the centre of the camp. “Permission to speak freely?”

“Granted,” Riley nods.

“Fifty marines sent groundside to search for a team of colonial pioneers? Why would the Alliance send so many?”

“That’s a good question, Shepard.” Commander Riley frowns visibly beneath her visor. “And one that I’m wondering about myself. But we have more pressing matters to attend to.” She nods in the direction of a nearby campfire pit. “The two of you survey the perimeter and report to me the moment you find anything suspicious. I want to know where those colonists went.”

“Aye aye, Ma’am.”

The duo set out in the direction Riley indicated, but not before Shepard represses a shiver at the strangeness of it all. Kira bites her lip, her amber eyes narrowing in suspicion. Something is clearly wrong. How can an entire group of colonists just disappear? And furthermore, how can any trace of their existence simply be wiped out, all the while leaving their tents and equipment behind? She can’t help the second tremor that crawls up her spine. Toombs is focusing on his monitoring equipment, so her senses are working over-time, her ears pricking at just the faintest sound, her fingers tingling against the cradled weight of her assault rifle...

 

We all knew that time was of the essence – we only had a few hours at best to locate the colonists. But we couldn’t have planned for what was coming.

I’ll never forget how it felt standing there on the campsite’s perimeter. The wind was strong, cold, lashing dust against my face. It was slow torture, almost like watching sand run through an hourglass. Except I was watching from inside the glass vial, trapped beneath a torrent and utterly powerless to break free of my invisible cage.

And the tingling in my fingers... It’s the first tell-tale sign. I’ve never told anyone that before, but the truth is that I hate that sensation more than anything.

I don’t get it often, only when I’m on the verge of panic. Panic – my greatest enemy – has plagued me ever since I was young. I used to get so nervous on the nights before exams, when my family planned a trip, or when I had to make a speech in class... It’s funny how things like that seem devastating, terrifying at the time. You look back years down the line and realise just how far you’ve come. You overcome one fear only to have to face a new, more powerful enemy.

Mine was just hours away. But, of course, I wasn’t to know that.

 

Shepard’s eyes fall upon an empty cooking pot resting on the ground. It’s facing upward, still holding the dried powdered rations that had been emptied into it just before the owner mysteriously vanished. Kira frowns, bending down and resting her forearms on her knees.

“Toombs, how long ago did you say the distress signal was sent?” She prompts, touching the sandy ground with her gloved fingers.

“About four hours ago by my count,” Preston informs her. Then, when Kira doesn’t move, Preston queries, “Shepard? What’s wrong?”

Kira’s brow knits even tighter. She runs her gloves along the edge of the pot, noting that the rations are still there while the footprints are not. This sand has been freshly stirred – something must have caused it. Wind? Or something stronger?

“We measured the surface wind-speed when we landed – sixty kilometres an hour, moving in a south-easterly direction.” Shepard shifts on her haunches, squinting up at the sky and then back at the pot. “So if this pot has been sitting here unattended for four hours, why haven’t the powdered rations been blown away?” At the Corporal’s confusion, Kira presses, “Look at the ground. The sand cover is fresh. It hasn’t had time to settle, get wet, or even maintain the impression of a boot print. So if it the wind has caused that much disturbance – enough to erase the colonial team’s presence altogether – then why hasn’t it carried the powdered contents of this pot across the ground with the rest of the dust?”

Preston’s lips pinch together nervously. “I... I don’t know.”

Shepard pushes herself up and scans the horizon. “Something isn’t adding up here, Corporal. I don’t like this.”

“Lieutenant Shepard?”

Private Ida Preston’s voice cuts through her thoughts, and Kira turns to face her. “Have you got a sitrep for me, Private?”

“There’s nothing, Ma’am,” She says breathlessly, jogging toward her. “Barton and I just paced the entire perimeter and there is no sign of the team. Not a footprint, a tyre track, nothing. This place is a ghost town,” Preston concludes, shifting her weight from foot to foot anxiously.

Shepard lifts her hand to her helmet, and is instantly frustrated by the panel of glass separating her hand from her forehead. She heaves a sigh and unclasps the impediment, lowering the heavy armoured piece to her side. “Well then. I guess we’ve hit a brick wall.”

“More like a sand wall,” Toombs mutters. “How do you figure all this happened, Shepard? I mean, it seems so perfect.”

Too perfect.” Kira smoothes sweaty strands of auburn hair away from her forehead, smoothing them back into her long ponytail with one gloved hand. “And the weirdest part is that I feel as though we’re being watched.”

“From where?” Corporal Barton interrupts, stepping up just now. He’s carrying an abandoned datapad in his hands. “I hate to say it, but I’m starting to wonder if anyone was even here in the first place. The datapads are dead, the camp’s energy cells have been drained, and even the distress beacon has just shut down. I can’t find a trace of life, and there isn’t any sign of a shelter nearby that is fit to house a colonial team. We scanned the mountains from orbit and there was nothing. No heat signals, no vehicle exhausts, no communications.”

“Any word from command?” Toombs asks tentatively.

“I can’t get a signal back to the Lancaster – something is disrupting the channel.” Shepard shuts off her omni-tool and groans in frustration, staring up at the sky. “By my guess we have about half an hour of light left. Can either of you get a fix on the source of this interference? Our communications can’t be going down by themselves.”

“No, Ma’am,” Toombs replies with a steady voice belies his growing anxiety. “I can’t get a firm reading on anything – my monitoring equipment is acting up.”

Commander Riley draws Kira’s attention now. “Shepard, we’ve got a situation.” As Kira steps away from her companions, Riley nods in the direction of the landing zone. “The last of our scanners just cut out, but before it did, we were able to detect an atmospheric disturbance coming from the south. Whatever is going on here, it just got a whole lot more complicated. I can’t get a message through to our pilot either. He’s under orders to pick us up at 0500, but we’ll have to bunker down until he can send the shuttles out.”

Kira glances back at the group of marines still trying to make sense of the campsite. “Do you think we can get by until then? We’re exposed out here, Ma’am. If a storm rolls in...”

“We’ll just have to use the shelters,” Riley tells her. “Gather your people and tell them to make camp on the southern aspect of the site. Gallahan, Edison and Lemar will do the same with their teams. Between us we can spread out and keep an eye out in every direction. We’ll need perimeter rotation shifts – ten marines posted on the perimeter at all times, changing every two hours.” She gives Kira a pointed look. “I’ll leave the specifics up to you, Shepard, but I’m sure you understand that a stormy night in a make-shift camp is not what our people prepped for.”

Kira nods decisively. “Aye, Ma’am, I do. Don’t worry – we’ll be ready.”

 


The rain grew steadily heavier as the hours rolled past. Toombs took the first of the two hour shifts, standing in the small reprieve offered by the makeshift’s large canvas awning. It isn’t much of a shelter, but it’s better than nothing. When Shepard emerges from the doorway at nine, she is suddenly grateful for her armour. The restrictive metal helmet, usually the object of her disdain, is now the only thing protecting her from the storm’s full onslaught. She strides across the gap between the buildings to tap her friend on the shoulder.

“It’s 2300, Corporal – I’ll take it from here. Go warm up inside,” She tells him, nodding back towards the small cabin. “Preston found a gas burner and is heating some soup.”

“Pumpkin or tomato, Ma’am?”

Shepard chuckles in the depths of her throat, “Last I checked, directives didn’t come with flavour options, Toombs. You’re soaked through and you’re no use to us with a chill.”

“Are you sure this isn’t part of the mission – endurance training or something?” He tilts his head back, studying the rain clouds through the misted visor of his helmet. Then he relents, shaking his head. “You’re right, Shepard. And one of these days I’ll stop being surprised about that fact.” Then he sends her a sideways glance. “Can I speak plainly, Ma’am?”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, enough with the ‘ma’am’ already.” Kira swings her leg out, connecting the tip of her armoured boot with a small rock. The pebble bounces away across the mud, landing with a faint plop somewhere out of sight. “Riley isn’t here, and frankly, ma’am makes me feel ten years older than I already am.”

“And to look at you, I’d have sworn you weren’t a day over fifty.”

Shepard throws her head back and laughs. “Well played, Toombs.” She sobers, crossing her arms and toeing an abandoned tent peg. “What’s on your mind?”

“It’s just...” Toombs moves to sit on a wooden bench. “I think what you just said summarises it nicely. I guess I feel like we’re being played.”

“Yeah?” Shepard folds her arms, her stare hardening.

“Yeah – and I mean professionally. Doesn’t this whole thing seem strange to you? Abandoned belongings, footprints erased, and yet food stores and equipment seem untouched.” His fingers twitch as he sets aside his pistol. “Come on, Shepard, don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about it. I haven’t seen your brow relax all evening.”

Kira lifts a hand to her head reflexively. “Am I that obvious?”

“When you’re lost in thought?” Toombs nods. “Your brows work overtime, your jaw clenches up and you have a habit of staring at the nearest blank wall. So yeah, a little bit obvious.”

“Alright, Toombs, I’ll bite. No, you’re not the only one. I’ve had the same feeling – like we’re the ace in somebody’s deck of cards. But there’s nothing we can do about it. Just sit around and wait it out, I guess.” Shepard touches her glove to her pistol holster to reassure herself. “If somebody is playing then they’ll have to show their hand sooner or later.”

A gust of wind sends fresh, cold water against their faces.

Finally, Toombs stands up and moves toward the door. “You’re right again. At least we won’t have to guess when the game is finally on – we’re the only point of light for miles around, so I doubt we’ll miss any of the action.” He puts his hand on the knob before adding, “Call me if you want any of that soup.”

Kira allows a tiny smirk to lift the corner of her mouth. “Only if Preston discovers a way to remove the aftertaste of tin.”

The Corporal lets out a hearty chortle and ambles inside.

Kira suddenly feels exposed standing out here in the cold, alone on the border between cursed ground and oblivion. She’s staring out into the dark, an unending pit of murk that is suffocating. Her stomach churns, a deep-set warning that perhaps the darkness is merely the messenger – perhaps there are still worse things out there, worse things to come. Like a hapless victim who has just witnessed the last of her protection being stolen away, Shepard feels the urge to pull her arms up about her chest out of involuntary self-defence. Out here she is vulnerable, open. It is a terrifying sensation, one that sends a chill down her spine. It’s as though a dozen unseeing eyes are scrutinising her, peeling away her layers and planning their next move, the most excruciating way to shred her flesh, to rend limb from limb, to summon forth the most delectable of screams from her throat before consuming her whole...

Kira shudders violently, doing her utmost to shove aside the violent image in her mind. But even in heavy armour and carrying her rifle, Shepard feels utterly naked.

Something is horribly wrong here.

At first it comes to her in the gentle form of a chime, the faint tingle of a sweet bell on the wind.

Shepard turns to her right, away from the soft warm glow of the makeshift hut, blindly pursuing the sound. She steps forward fractionally, her hand resting on the butt of her pistol. The rain slashes hard against her visor. Now the beeping is getting stronger – not louder, just stronger. It’s as though she is following a trail of faint music, being lured out into the rain with just a single, cautious step...

What the hell is that noise? Where is it coming from?

Shepard knows it isn’t any of the squad’s equipment. Their instruments went offline hours ago, and since the bad weather set in, she’s absolutely certain that it isn’t a shuttle sent to retrieve them. There is no way the Lancaster would risk sending in one of their flimsy light-weight shuttles into a storm. So what is bleeping? And why?

Kira activates the torch on her rifle, sweeping it out into the night as far as she can. But given the intensity of the storm, that isn’t very far. All the light does is bounce back at her off the millions of tiny water droplets hurtling toward the ground.

Bleep... Bleep...

There it is again!

Kira shakes her head, wondering if there is a malfunctioning circuit in her helmet. Perhaps her radio isn’t entirely dead. Either that or her ears are still ringing after the violent thunder earlier that evening.

Bleep... Bleep... Bleep...

Or maybe she really is hearing something.

The sound beckons to her, drawing her in with curious tendrils of fear...

Follow me... Come see...

Shepard gives in and moves another few steps, now beyond the faint aura of light. She is entirely engulfed in darkness.

Bleep... Bleep...

Her feet find their way forward in the mud, stopping suddenly when her boot collides with something small and metallic. Shepard swings her torch about, illuminating a tiny silver box, wired and with an antenna.

A radio? A transmitter?

Bleep...

Her gut twists into fresh knots.

What the hell...?

The ground in front of her explodes, knocking Shepard back several feet. The dark sphere around her spins and distorts in a hideous whirl of eerie colour. She barely has time to register the fact that she’s airborne before landing hard on her back. Her bones scream at the impact despite her tough metal exterior. Now she really is hearing a ringing in her head – powerful, dizzying, blaring ringing. Internal alarm bells to warn her of impending danger. Kira ignores the lights dancing across her eyes, forcing herself up on her elbows.

And that’s when she sees the monster rise out of the earth.

A vast, serpent-like creature of vast proportions ascends into the sky, twisting and writhing against a silhouette of lightning. Its segmented body thrashes against the constricting mire, bursting free of its earthly confines to loom over her. A sulphurous mist, tainted a repulsive shade of green, exudes from between its bulbous layers. A hideous head, a glowing mass of iridescent flesh, hesitating as it looks down. Then, after a split second, the beast’s head bursts open – peeling back in a repulsive bloom of fleshy tendrils, all of them dripping with thick mucus.

Kira can barely breathe let alone scream. Her mouth falls open in horror at the sight, suddenly feeling pitifully weak in comparison to the monster before her. And in that moment, the heat of its ferocious gaze lands squarely on her.

“No... Please, no...”

Shepard scrambles backwards, clawing at the mud in a desperate attempt to gain a foothold. But before she can get to her feet, the creature lets out a piercing shriek. Recognition sparks, and Shepard sucks in as much air as her lungs can hold...

THRESHER MAW!”

Her scream rips through the night, and instantly the makeshift’s door swings open.

But simultaneously, almost as if responding to Shepard’s warning, the maw hoists itself up to full height, gurgling and hissing. It pulls its ghastly head back, preparing to devour its first intended victim...

Kira pulls her limbs in close to her body, rolling hard to the right, narrowly missing the impact of a poisonous barb. The spike, larger than her torso, drives into the ground with terrifying force. Toxin drips from its serrated edges, sending more acrid fumes into the air.

Suddenly Toombs is there, pistol in hand. The sound of gunfire shreds any last hope of a tranquil night. Now the other members of the reconnaissance team are pouring out of the buildings, weapons at the ready.

Somebody yells her name. But Kira is utterly distracted, curling up and pushing her body – which is suddenly heavier than she first realised – upright. She hurls all her weight forward, throwing herself across the muddy ground to evade yet another dart from the Maw.

“Back – move back!” She cries, sprinting toward the group of marines.

Behind her, a wave of pungent vapours billows from a rift in the ground. A tremor shakes the camp, and Kira stumbles, spinning about in time to see another three maws unfurl their bulbous lengths from the earth.

“Oh my...” Toombs’ face turns ashen.

“Get everyone out!” Riley barks, her arms shaking at the horrendous sight. “Preston – emergency flares! Now!

“Aye aye, Ma’am!” Preston tears her eyes free of the maws long enough to sprint into one of the huts.

“No!” Kira races into the centre of the camp. “Keep everyone away from the huts!”

“Are you insane?” Riley exclaims.

“We need to get away from the light!” Kira insists, her voice breaking under the strain. “The Maws are going to zero in on the lights and the heat from the makeshifts – if you send the marines back inside, they’ll be slaughtered!”

“Shepard—”

Riley opens her mouth to reprimand the young officer, but before she can, a chilling screech tears through the valley. A giant barb, even larger than the one that had almost speared Shepard, comes crashing down upon the makeshift, cutting through the metal like paper. An eruption of suffocating gas billows from the shattered windows. Then, a final, desperate scream cuts through the air – just as the metal structure collapses.

Preston!” Riley screams, starting to sprint toward the destroyed structure.

“Commander, no.” Kira grasps her arm and pulls her back. “You’ll get yourself killed!”

Another Maw scream sends a shudder the camp. A torrent of glowing mist rolls across the ground toward them, gathering speed...

Shepard turns pleading eyes upon Riley. “Commander! Please!”

But Riley’s feet are firmly planted to the ground. She stares aghast at the oncoming storm...

“We need to go now!

The Commander gives a weak nod, and Kira takes her cue, yelling, “Everybody move, move, move!

The marines scramble back, rushing for cover behind whatever they can find. Even so, several of them are still exposed to the Maws. Shepard decides to buy them some time.

“You too, Commander!” She nods at Riley, drawing her rifle up and aiming it at the head of the largest maw. “Go!”

The creature looms over the camp, settling its hungry glare upon Commander Riley. Finally after a hard shove from Shepard, the Commander comes to her senses, turning and sprinting away across the muddy ground.

It’s up to the Lieutenant for now.

Kira digs her heels into the muck, settling the scopes of her rifle upon the creature. The worm pulls its head back, snarling ferociously at Shepard. But before it can spit forth yet another giant dart, Kira pulls the trigger. The Maw howls furiously, thrashing back and forth as the Lieutenant empties her thermal clip into its head. Blinded, burnt and seeping forth fluids, the serpent-like fiend draws back, hissing at the onslaught.

And that’s when Kira sees the flares. The tubes of luminescent fluid are strewn abandoned in the mud, abandoned where they fell when the makeshift was destroyed...

A plan begins to form in Shepard’s mind.

Scooping up half a dozen, Kira shoves the vials into her utility belt. Then, lifting one more, she releases the safety catch on the top. Red sparks fly from the tube as she holds it up.

HEY! Over here!” She bellows, her voice swelling and instantly drawing the attention of the other Maws. Then, with as much strength as she can muster, Shepard hurls the flare at the creatures.

The flare ignites, the sky exploding red in the shower of fiery sparks. The worms scream and dive back, spitting at the attack.

Shepard, meanwhile, takes her chance and sprints through the narrow gaps between the nearby makeshifts. Behind her, gunfire erupts – the other marines are taking advantage of the Maws’ distraction to do some damage.

But Shepard knows it isn’t going to be enough in itself. She knows their only chance is going to be getting the team clear of these monsters before they destroy them all. But that in itself is going to take a miracle. She is only one of fifty marines, but if the others can see what she’s doing, then maybe... Just maybe...

Stopping on the outskirts of the camp, Shepard opens and hurls yet another flare into the sky. “Keep up, boys!” She yells again, before breaking into another sprint. “Come and get me!”

It’s working.

The Maws divert their attention from the camp, diving under the ground and circling around in Shepard’s direction.

She picks up the pace, sucking in deep breaths, her feet pounding across the shifting, cracking ground. A wall of rock rises up in front of her, and Kira stumbles back, ducking to the right and circling around the Maw. A moment later, she sends another flare hurtling at its head.

Look at me, you son of a bitch!”

As the beast spins about, she unloads another heat sink into its unguarded body. It flails about, snapping and screeching above her.

“That’s it,” Kira mutters, grinning to herself despite the fear welling up in the pit of her stomach. “That’s it – you know I will kill you, so you’d better end me first if you want to live!

The ground convulses – the other three Maws have decided to join the party. They arch up, surrounding her position and attempting to hem her in.

Is that how it’s going to be, is it?

Kira shakes her head, tossing another powerful flare into the sky.

On cue, the worms pull back, and she pushes her legs on, ignoring the burning pain that’s growing inside her lungs. Shepard is at least half a kilometre from the camp now. Glancing back over her shoulder, she can see the rest of the squad gathering together – then, they spread out in teams of five, pushing out from the camp towards the hills in the distance.

Yes! Kira silently cheers, realising that the squad has caught onto her plan. They’re heading for safer ground.

“Shepard!”

A familiar voice catches her attention, and she drops to the ground just as a Maw tail whips narrowly past her head. Her leg doubles up beneath her, a sharp jolt of pain from her ankle making Shepard howl. Her helmet visor fractures, colliding with a rock as she rolls to a stop at the foot of the embankment. Biting her lip against the agony, Shepard reaches up and unlocks the seal, tossing away the broken helmet.

A burst of machine gun fire erupts. Toombs cripples one of the Maws, dashing through the confusion to reach her. The beast collapses, sending a cloud of choking haze up around them.

“We need to move,” Shepard tells him, preparing to launch another flare. The wind whips through her exposed hair, sending stray curls over her face. Her eyes are red and streaming with tears at the stinging fumes.

Boom!

The world around her lurches, and Shepard narrowly escapes being crushed by yet another Thresher Maw. Except this time, the beast isn’t interested in her. It lurches past, gliding just beneath the surface toward the nearby reconnaissance team. The other three creatures turn about and follow suit. Stricken to the spot in horror, Shepard and Toombs watch from a distance as several more Maws burst free of the earth, encircling the rest of the team.

“Oh my god...” Toombs breathes.

The blood in Kira’s veins runs cold.

They’ll kill them all.

The Maws unleash a volley of poisonous barbs, striking down several marines in the first few seconds. Even from here, the sound of the creatures shrieks and their friends’ screams is chilling.

“They’re too far away!” Toombs yells, desperation edging his voice.

Shepard lets out a sharp exclamation, “The flares – throw the flares!”

Toombs stares at her wide-eyed. “I... I’m out of tubes.”

No! Her gut twists. There are too many... We can’t stop them...

“Shepard – what do we do?”

The Lieutenant chokes back the bile rising in her throat. We’re never going to reach them in time. And even then – two marines against a dozen Thresher Maws? There are almost fifty men and women in that squad, and they don’t stand a chance alone. What hope do we have?

Then it happens.

Another Maw launches toward them, heading straight for Toombs.

“Shoot it!” Kira exclaims, scrambling back and shouldering her rifle. “Toombs! Shoot it!”

The Corporal takes a step away, slipping a fresh thermal clip into his pistol...

“Shoot it now!”

It’s too close.

Shepard raises her gun, ready to bring it down, but instead, Toombs pushes her back. Kira lands hard on the ground, gasping for air. She struggles to focus, feeling dizziness set in – a bewildering mix of pain and lack of oxygen. Kira forces herself up on her elbows in time to see the Corporal position himself between her and the Thresher Maw.

What is he doing?

“Toombs – no!”

But he isn’t listening. Shepard tries to push herself upright, but her leg gives way beneath her. She falls helplessly to the ground, fighting back tears.

“Toombs!”

Corporal Toombs pulls a grenade from his vest, and pulls the pin. Then he starts to run down the slope – toward the monster. He lifts his arm above his head, preparing to throw the grenade. His fingers release the cylinder, and he dives to one side.

He’s too close!

“NO!” Kira screams, but it’s too late.

The explosion rocks the unstable hillside, bringing a cascade of dirt and rock raining down upon them. Kira reaches up to cover her head, letting out a faint wail. Somewhere beyond her, she hears the dying cries of her squad mates...

 

 

“Lieutenant... Lieutenant, can you hear me?”

Toombs...

The name escapes her lips as more of a sob than an actual word, and the sound of something other than screams and gunfire makes Shepard want to cry even harder.

“It’s alright, Lieutenant. You’re on the Lancaster now. You’re safe.”

Kira forces her eyes open, wincing at the tenderness in her chest. “The squad... They...”

A hand comes to rest on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Shepard.”

Rain... Lightning... Suffocating gas...

Shepard coughs and reaches up out of reflex, fingers searching for something to grasp hold of. They find a man’s shirt collar. “They... They couldn’t fight so many...”

Her voice breaks and she lets her head fall back weakly against the pillow. Choking sobs rack her body.

The kind voice of her rescuer breaks through her thoughts once more. “You were the only one who made it.”

“No...” Kira covers her face with her free hand, grimacing at the taste of blood on her lips. “No! It can’t be true. It can’t be...”

“We found you at the LZ, stumbling about dazed and injured.”

“No... No, no, no...”

The stranger gently sets her hand back down on the stretcher bed. “You made it out of there, Lieutenant. I don’t know how – it must have taken a miracle.”

 

A miracle that saved me, but destroyed my team.

What kind of miracle is that?

And now they’re talking about giving me a medal, a promotion. For what? Watching my friends die? Call me bitter if you like, if bitter means that I don’t want to accept glory for something I had no control over. The Alliance wants to call me a hero. But the truth is that I am no hero. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I couldn’t save them.

What kind of hero can’t save her friends?

Riley was the first officer I ever served with. We spent three months on Arcturus, and then we said our goodbyes. I was so excited to see her again on Akuze. Little could I have known that a few hours later, I would be stranded in the middle of a fight, watching her die; a week later, standing at her grave, watching as they lowered her casket into the ground.

Toombs’ body was never found. I don’t know where he is. Maybe we never will.

Anderson came to visit me when the Lancaster brought me back to Arcturus Station. He’s been like a father to me ever since... Ever since my own passed on. I’d like to think that he’ll always be looking out for me. But after Akuze it’s hard to come to terms with it all – the loneliness, the pain, the guilt. What if it happens again? I don’t know if I can bear that. And yet I signed up to be a soldier.

Anderson sat me down and just let me talk about it all: Akuze, Mindoir, loss, doubt. I honestly can’t understand why I was the one who survived. I didn’t want to be the one who walked away. I didn’t want the label ‘sole survivor’. But Anderson bore it all – I heaped so many ‘why’ questions on his shoulders that day, and he just looked me in the eye and said, “If we had answers to all our questions, there would be no point in living. It’s part of who we become, Shepard. It’s part of the journey. Hold onto those ‘why’s’. One day you might just find out the answers.”

He’s the only one I trust. Not some stranger with a psychology degree. Just a friend. Maybe, just maybe, that’s all I really need: someone to stay and just be there for me, to sit by my side and keep me sane while everything falls apart.

 I think I would like that.

 

---2187---

 

I let the journal fall shut, the gentle thud of pages falling shut reverberating through my fingers. There is a dull ache in my heart, an empty void suddenly filled with tears.

The pain that she must have felt... I had only ever heard the ‘official’ reports. Kira had never truly told me what happened on Akuze. To find out through her own words, to read her handwriting as it grew more scrawled and painful; to see the stains on the paper where her tears fell. For the first time I am feeling all of her pent-up emotions, her secret pain.

I flash back to the young Commander, the beautiful XO of the Normandy SR1 – Commander Kira Shepard, at age thirty, the dark-eyed woman who stole my breath and my heart with just one look. To think that behind those eyes, these memories lay in wait, just holding out for darkness before they come back to consume her nightmares.

Oh Shepard, I didn’t know.

Emily Wong is still sitting across from me, studying a datapad. She glances up, studying me now that I’m back in the present.

“I... I need to go,” I tell her bluntly, swiping at the tears that are still running down my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” The reporter says gently, reaching out to touch my arm sympathetically. “I had the feeling you might need to go and be alone. Thank you for the chapters, Kaidan, I’ll give them a quick read over and get them back to you by the end of the week?”

I nod, not really thinking. “Fine... I, uh... I’ll just...”

I pick up the journal, but my fingers fumble. The book falls open on the table, a small piece of paper drifting out from between the pages and landing at Emily’s feet.

She stoops down and picks it up, but even as she reaches to hand it back to me, her eyes widen.

“Oh my god – Kaidan, have you seen this?”

I take the photo from between her fingers. I turn it about, and my heart freezes.

“No – that can’t be right,” I gasp in amazement.

“Is that who I think it is?” Emily whispers, grasping my shoulder.

“I... I have never seen them before now.” A fresh tear falls from my eye.

My breath has been utterly stolen away by the image of youthful beauty. A pair of glowing mahogany eyes smile up at me from the photograph, a kind face and arched brows; long toffee-auburn tresses and a glorious, sweet smile.

Kira. My Kira.

But here she is barely more than fifteen – so innocent. She’s wearing a dark blue jumper and a grey coat, and her hands, resting on a chair in front of her, are so small and white. Her face is relaxed, glowing with optimism and youth.

“Look how young she is, Emily. Look at her.” I put a hand over my mouth, holding back the urge to weep aloud at the image.

On either side of Kira stand two adults: A man, tall and muscular with sandy hair, and a woman, small and slender, auburn-haired and dark-eyed. Kira is the spinning image of her, too. But my eyes wander further down, to the chair in front. There is another person in this photograph. Smaller than Kira, and much younger; bright red hair and freckles, soft eyes...

My breath hitches in my throat.

It can’t be!

I turn the photograph over to see that Kira has written something faintly on the back: Shepard family portrait; Mindoir, 2170.

Flicking it back, my eyes study the child’s face on the right. She couldn’t be more than eleven or twelve, barely a teenager, and yet the similarity in the two girls’ faces is undeniable.

Oh hell – it’s her. HER!

I scoop up the diary, sending one last amazed glance in Emily’s direction. “I’ve got it! I know who she is!”

“Who?” Emily calls after me, chasing me as I run from the cafe. “Who, Kaidan?”

My face twists into a smile. “The woman who saved my life!”

Cover Art: Here

Previous: Chapter 15
Next: 
Chapter 17 (Part 1)

--------------------------------------

Kaidan finally gathers up the nerve to open Kira's old journal, reading for the first time about the horror of Akuze. But that is not the only secret that Shepard's leather-bound book holds...

Based on my first (and favourite) Shepard, "The Soul Behind The Name" (previously titled 'Lost Without You') focuses on the untold love story between Kira Shepard and Kaidan Alenko throughout the Mass Effect Trilogy.
Mass Effect and all its characters are the intellectual property of Bioware/EA. In the end, the only thing I own are the memories...


I'm so sorry everyone that this took so long to get posted - where I live has had snow recently and the internet hasn't exactly been at its best. It's been very tricky to get a connection up until now, so thank you to everyone who waited so patiently. Hug 

I wanted to begin Vancouver in this chapter, but Kira stepped in and intervened - so time for a little flashback. I always wanted to explore Akuze. So here it is, and here is the next big twist! It turns out that Kaidan is quite sane. But who knows what strange events will come next? ;) (Wink) 

Thank you as always for reading, and I look forward to sharing some more adventures with you all!! :happybounce: 

And the song for this chapter was....

CHAPTER 16 – Little Wonders (Rob Thomas)

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

© 2014 - 2024 ReelLifeJaneway2
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Raven2100's avatar
Just waiting for the next one. idk if I can wait!!! :D